3. What is Compulsive Sexual Avoidance (Sexual Anorexia)?
Sexual anorexia is
another way of describing compulsive sexual avoidance. It refers to starving
oneself of sexual nurturing and affection as a means of controlling a
situation, another person, or one’s own sexual addiction. For some of us,
acting out sexually was a symptom of our sexual anorexia. We could use our
sexuality like a drug, but we were powerless over our inability to allow
emotional and spiritual closeness with our sexual partner. Others of us
alternated between acting out and compulsively avoiding all sexual thoughts,
feelings, and behaviors.
“Some of us have experienced the avoidance of sex as addictive, in some
cases choosing to identify as ‘sexual anorexics.’ In the same way that
compulsive starving of oneself, or anorexia, is considered an eating disorder,
avoidance of sex can be seen as an addictive sexual behavior. Some of us have
found ourselves ‘shut down’ sexually in recovery, afraid of sex because of its
association in our minds with our addiction or with past sexual trauma, or
because of a fear of intimacy and vulnerability. Trying to control our
sexuality in this way is just another symptom of our disease. The solution lies
in turning our will and lives over to the care of our Higher Power, knowing
that however unfamiliar we are with the challenges of healthier sexuality, we can
put our trust in the God of our understanding.” (Sex
Addicts Anonymous, page 72)
Upon further
examination, many of us realized we were also avoidant (or anorexic) in social,
emotional, and spiritual ways. We may have had difficulty leaving the house or
doing other activities besides work. We deprived ourselves of nurture and care.
We may have denied, repressed, suppressed, or medicated uncomfortable
feelings.
Even for those of
us who didn’t act out with others sexually, the shame and isolation of our
avoidant lifestyle became so painful that we sought help through the Twelve
Steps of SAA. In recovery, we focused on getting to know and love ourselves and
cultivating a closer relationship with our Higher Power. With this healing came
the courage to venture out and begin connecting with others in safe and healthy
ways.